i'm scared

sometimes i wonder...how do they do it

to face the odds, to face fear and throw it aside

i really admire those who can do that

i feel sometimes i act fearless, but inside i'm just as scared

wether is asking out a girl, being vulnerable with the guys or going off to the peace corps

i'm still the guy i was 4 years ago

only difference i feel is God

knowing he's there and really trusting him allows me to takes those chances

but still i doubt...and i hate how i still doubt

i know it works out if i only trust Him

but i refuse to buy into it...

i keep making Him and his deeds the exception

not the rule in my life

everyone's been asking m what am i going to do....i really don't know

i'm looking wherever i can...and i'm scared...i feel so inadequate

and 2 years in the peace corps..that feels like forever

i know with God i will be safe....but i'm missing the safety that was college

mm, sometimes i'm so tired of the struggle, but i know it makes me stronger

may i stand up...with Him by my side....i can be great

mm i realize...

that i'm kinda a hard person to shop for. and i sincerely apologize for all those that have tried.

i don't want all that much. I dunno if that means i'm patient, content, or simply unamibtious. i don't have a wishlist or things i would REALLY REALLY want to have. I'm kind of content with what i have now. well at least materially. i have scores of music, books, knick knacks, clothes. I still really haven't fully enjoyed what i already have. doesn't help that i don't like chocolate either...kinda rules out that nearly universal gift.

i think i get it from my dad. don't really want something till what i have is nearly worn through. Like i'd like new chucks, but i never had a real desires to want a new pair till i started to feel the rocks and pebbles under my sole. probably time to start thinking bout a new pair.

hmm, i think i really don't want that much what i can't have because its kind of like a wasted wish. I can't really get it, its not in my means to attain, so why want it? i don't have a job, or mebbe i don't have the skills to acquire it. So its nice, but mmm i can live without. i don't really mind something else will grab my eye soon enough.

well the reason why i think about this was that sonia and ray were planning to get me the pair of shoes that i really adored....but i ended up just driving back to sac to just get it myself...i had some grad money from high school, that i never used. i love the shoes...they are awesome, but i think i would've enjoyed it more as a gift, from friends. Instead its a small selfish act. Mebbe i feel so isolated cuz i don't give people the opportunity to love me.

i brush off encouragement, thanks. i'm not the easiest person for gift. i'm busy like mad (well not anymore). i'm kinda well rounded. and i guess i'm not all that touchy of a person.

i think i almost make it hard for people to fit into my life. i'm not making excuses, just an observation. I spend so much time trying to change the world, shape communities, helping others, there really is little time or little chance for people to be there for me.

i really do enjoy that some do make that effort and do get through, its really easier than it seems. I really enjoy having an impact in the world, but i do enjoy, sometimes even more, when people make an impact on me

i want a mixer

haha.....i think i had another thought in my mind...but all i can think about is going back to baking.....jsut need a mixer...or some crazy mixing skills....though i doubt my ability to match an electric mixer.

what i want to bake.mm a mystery, mebbe you'll even get a taste

hopefully i like my new haircut

imma fix my bike soon, than sac trip! come with!

hi summer

ok it begins..the post grad life begins....budgeting, resume, cove letters, insurance, responsibility...it all starts

ok honestly its not starting all that well...i think i'm getting sick...seriously every time i go home i think i catch a disease...but right now my head is stuffy and hurts.....although staying insdie is not all that bad....kinda hot outside...davis is back to normal.....hot...so very hot

well i finally got a move on with my future, submitting cover letters and resumes....feels legit..we'll see, hopefully something falls through

for all those on missions right now, i'll be praying for you, sry i've been bad on responding to those letters, but you all are seriously in my heart

this.Day it ends(begins)

ok this blog is late cuz when i go home i do nothing but waste my life on tv, madden, and sleeping.

what does it feel like to be graduated?

many ask, and here is my answer

its free....its daunting.

to me its like stepping onto the pitch for the first time

years upon years of practice, skills, friendships, everything

its time to put it to the test

practice is over, its time for the game

i can finally be great! but i can also fail miserably

there are few redos in a real game

but victory is real sweet when you play the real deal

off the bench i go, just hoping not to trip on the first step

stef and gabe rock

a;likejc jihia dfjihri ferki ch a uhhhhh.... fake justin ;= i am dead. oh no. mm.... i want to go to fruit picking! oh man. stef is so awesome and cool. gabe is hot. i love them both. like a lot. like a lot a lot. the end.