the letter

its been nearly a year form project
and right now i think
is when i would've anted the letter
6 months was alrite
but i dunno life seems to go by years as benchmarks
at least for me

i wonder where i put it...
all my Christmas mail was kinda a mess
i was in Florida at the time

i wonder if i'll break the one year mark
if you do'nt know what that is
let me explain
every year
new friends
new org
new circle
new life
in a year will i still talk to you
in a year will i still care
in a year will i still remember what it was like
to laugh
play
love
will i?

one year...i'll look at this

Why i don't cook/bake

i'm actually not a bad cook or a baker
i actually really enjoy it
however there is one catch
i don't know how to make personal portions
unless it involves a sandwich
which i actually don't like very much

my real reason though
i don't have anyone to cook for
eating alone
is not only boring
its almost depressing
growing up...i never ate alone
dinner was always with family
or at least my lil bro

too cook without company
mebbe one day i will
or mebbe not we'll see

Why can't i....

speak whenever i'm around you
its almost an ironic presence
with your presence i feel at ease
that i can be myself
but with you i get tied up
flustered

i've been told i'm kind of intimidating
at first impression
almost a sense of overconfidence
and pride

but here i have none of that
my wings are torn off
i'm brought back to earth
i got nothing left to show

really it frustrates me
i just can't seem to solve this riddle
like walking onto the court
and suddenly forgetting how to ball
i got no charm, i got no swagger
i am but me

is this the true me?
or do i refuse to show that i've grown

NO Lego Lovin

ok this is not a hate on legos
honestly i love legos
a lot
and i still do
though i hear legoland is quite the letdown

lego lovin has almost nothing to with actual legos
almost
its really about love, and the authenticity of it
or rather lack there of
its made of legos because its not real real
like a lego space ship
it looks like a space ship,
but i have my doubts on its chances of making it to space
or surviving the drop out my window

no lego lovin means
to give the real deal
to give love is that one has to experience it
its hard to show the love of Christ when you don't have it yourself
but even in a absic sense, its like hard to encourage
when you've enver had that.

honestly i think i do this a lot
trying to to be a friend that i never had
giving things i have never received
not that its not nice, but its not authentic
i enver know how its gonna go
jsut try...but in the end
it is kinda of fake
like watching blackhawk down
and being able to feel for a soldier
its a step
its an effort
but it falls greatly short

um i don't know how to end this on a lighter note
but ultamately
we are all a little bit fake
since we can't grasp the totalness of God's love
the only way to be less fake is to be closer to him

Reboot #.....

another year gone
another quarter past
another chapter closed
another goodbye

talk to sonia.
if you don't know her, you should.
Shes pretty awesome and
seems to always get my mind ticking again.
she may seem small
but she awlays asks some seriously big questions

every year is the same for me,
a new group of friends,
a new core organization.
This doesn't mean i lose friends or drop out of orgs,
just i shift attention. hence reboot.

every year its a reboot
and graduating is no different
mebbe sonia is right
i don't care enough

mebbe i'm supposed
to stick by
hold the line
for better or for worse
although there is truth
in what she says

this is the whole truth:
i care
whole heartedly
i don't stay with anything
unless i really mean it
i don't keep friends i don't want
i don't join orgs i can't stand
but that's not the reason why i move around
not because i don't care for the people, or the vision

its because i don't know where i belong
i can work hard, move up, love sincerely
everywhere and where ever
i really want to find the place for me

mebbe she is right
there is no right place, just choose
but how long do i stick with it?
time is fleeting

I'm tired of my life going nowhere
i've spent a good portion of my life being a steward of others
but its also my life!
when is it my turn?

i'm just frustrated
i want to be patient
i would wait eternity for them
but eternity is not what i have
i feel selfish for moving on
but secretly sometimes i feel
they are selfish for keeping holding me back

i dunno i'll get back to this line of thought later

in a place called diamond jamboree

well i'm not sure if its shaped like a diamond.....or really if its a jamboree, but its lil plaza in irvine. So here's the story:
if many of you may or amy not know i'm kinda in socal. I ended up on a team building trip on the way to LA. So today we started out with food, obviously....very good food. Than we went shopping at south coast plaza. Honestly i've seen better malls. but some random observations:
1. malls need to be shaped as cricles...the cross method is kinda stupid
2. i still can't afford the things i want to buy
3. luckily i don't have much else i want to buy
4. though south coast plaza has upscale stores i does not feel upscale
5. i attribute this cuz the people look scrubby
6. no means to be racist.....but typical americans have ridculously bad fashion sense.....but they buy nice clothes.....wear do they use it
7. Asian people like looking trendy....as much as people say we put off immediate satisfaction for success.....asians really love a nice car and nice threads and love to wear it....even if its to the barber.
8. and these are observations, and by no means apply to all people...haha its jsut fun stuff...don't take me too seriously

so back to my story. After this we decided to go to the beach instead of to see harry potter.funny how a small decision makes a big difference. like harry potter would've been fun, but the ebach was good too, got a good game of drop in volleyball in, cept i still suck...haha.

after we deccided between korean BBQ or tofu..we chose tofu. Thus went us to ECD tofu house and the 85 degress bakery. my adoration of cakes left me inside the shop while my friends chose a table which happened to be next to a bench having pg. and the seat i chose was the one directly facing her, because i felt like sitting next to a girl i recently met. All that led up to a wonderful circumstance. PG saw me and mmm, it was awesome, miss seeing old friends. Its always amazing seeing people you least expect. Sometimes you ask, but sometimes it just happens, but i enjoy it nonetheless.

goodtimes in a place called diamond jamboree

to be back....take II

i'm in LA....i really don't know why. besides the fun with friends and sttuffs....it feels a lil wierd. Its like seeing a childhood movie when your an adult....its just not the same.

ok to put it in contxt. I used to go to LA nearly twice a year growing up. Kinda like me giong to florida or hawaii once a year. Both were to visit my grandparnets. But in both cases these all stopped once high school and college began. my grandparents in LA moved back to vitnam, and my family jsut didn't have the time to travel to florida. and well for hawaii, we jsut went other places now that we werenow old enough to enjoy like NY or paris. So a trip that was once the fixture. was just ended.

not gonna lie, these trips are still fun, but its like playing in your childhood backyard that you almost don't remember. I guess its like rewatching bambi.....its not really new, but i can't really remember whats happening.

i wonder if it'll be like this when i come back to davis as the years go on. Cuz honestly i don't think i'm going to visit often, unless i have like a job in sac. I don't do visitations all that well.

to walk the place where i grew up, and have nothing the same. jsut a few buildings, a few intersections, but no longer a place where i could call home

where will i go next? where will God take me?

the art of getting lost

guys seem to always get crap for never asking directions....and really its kind of well deserved. My dad never asked for directions, and no matter how much i couldn't stand getting lost for hours...i never ask either. Call it pride, stubbornness, whatever you want, but there is something greatly satisfying of getting somewhere by your own power and will( even with the help of google maps).

but realistically even following those directions get you pretty lost, i still like my maps...i keep like a library of California maps in my trunk...why i would drive to san diego is beyond me, but i'm prepared.

Why i'm on this train of thought was because of fourth of july weekend (and an article in gq). so the plan was to pick up andy from san jose, and than 2 girls from Berkley and play around in sf and meet with mary and the epic gang. usually i map out all my directions, punch them into google maps to see if i'm correct and stuffs, but this time i just took the gps. looks kinda like this one:
not gonna lie...it makes my life a ton easier. Like i don't get lost, and if i amke a wrong turn, it puts me on track. But when i looked up...i realize i have no idea or context of where i am...just at my destination. i'm not really paying attention ot the city...just the audio cues. i felt kinda of robbed of the experience of being somewhere new.

getting lost really got me ble to know my freinds neighborhoods, cities, or jsut random places. I knew where to go if i ever visted again...since i was lost there. Getting lost gets me super observant, since i'm kinda bent on getting non lost. So i learn the city wether i planned to or not.

the gps was nice, but it took that away from me. I like using my maps, playing with highlighters, or just knowing where i was driving was a big square that hopefully brought me back to my original road. getting lost really isn't so bad. It almost fun, like an unplanned adventure.

cuz really what do you remember? being slightly late to a friends party? or being satisfied that you now know a lil bit more of san jose?

to look in wonder

so i was driving around davis and mmm, its summer orientation!
haha dang was it that long ago?

what cuaght my eye was how young they were....the sense of bewilderment of what is davis. How large their eyes looked as they stared around so widely at the crosswalk. As if this small town was walking into a grand new world.

I guess being here so long, and having a car has made davis lose a little of its charm. coming form the city small towns are so intriuging. Cuz honestly miplitas, sanjose, fremont, livermore, all kind of the same. just income and if you have a good mall make it difference, but the feel is the same.

sometimes though i sitll look in wonder what this place really is. All the charm, the farmers market, the musicians playing near baskin robbins in the evening. Its all minda nice. Makes for nice lil dates of chill hang outs. mm imma miss it all.